By Dr. Sheryl Ziegler
In Other Words: How Not To Raise A Spoiled Brat (You're Welcome)
In my private practice I often see affluent families struggling with
wanting to raise "grateful and unspoiled children" despite being
wealthy, going on lavish vacations, having beautiful homes and owning
the latest gadgets, toys and luxury cars. They ask me if it is really
possible and my answer is "Yes, but you are going to have to work hard
at it." I call it intentional parenting and it takes a lot of discipline to pull it off.
So, here is my list of the top 10 things around which you and your
support group need to have clarity and consistent follow through in
order to raise unspoiled children.
And at the end of the day, if you have a spoiled child—one who
relentlessly nags, cries and throws a huge fit when they do not get what
they want—you only have yourself to blame! Stop giving in and start
applying most if not all of these values and approaches. Start being a
great example. You will have greater enjoyment in being a parent, your
child will be happier and better adjusted and there will be greater
peace and love in your home. And that is something money cannot buy.
1. Say no...often.
Practice delayed gratification and simply not always giving your children what they want, even if you can easily afford it.
2. Expect gratitude.
Go beyond teaching your child to say please and thank you. Also teach
them eye contact, a proper hand shake, affection and appreciation for
the kind and generous things that are said and given to them. If this
does not happen, have them return the gift (either to the person or to
you for safe keeping) and explain that they aren't yet ready to receive
such a gift.
3. Practice altruism yourself.
Donate clothes and toys to those in need (not just to your neighbors
when it's easy and they have younger children!) and have your kids be a
part of that process. Do this regularly as a family and sort through,
package and deliver the goods together so the kids really see where
their things are going. Do this often and not just around the holidays.
4. Be mindful of the company you keep.
If you only hang around other affluent families who are not raising
their kids with intention, you may be surrounding yourself with those
who will not help out with what you are trying to accomplish. Be sure
family or friends you are spending significant time with have similar
values to yours, otherwise you are going to feel defeated after a while.
5. Write thank you cards.
Yes, handwritten on paper with a pen! Kids these days generally have
shorter attention spans, are easily distracted and aren't taught to take
careful time and attention to express their appreciation. This simple
yet important act can go a long way as a skill to teach expression of
feelings and thoughtfulness.
6. Don't catch every fall.
Practice natural consequences from an early age — share some of your own
experiences and teach them lessons such as "life is not fair." In
addition, don't over-protect them from disappointments. You have to
really understand and believe that failing and falling is a part
successful childhood development.
7. Resist the urge to buy multiples of things.
Just because you can doesn't mean that you should! Don't buy four
American Girl Dolls—buy just one and have your child love and appreciate
what they have.
8.Talk to their grandparents and explain your intentions to them.
Share with them your desires to have respectful, appreciative, kind and
responsible children and the ways in which you are going to achieve that
goal. You will need their help in doing this if they are like most
grandparents who want to spoil their grandkids! Ask them to spoil them
with love, time, affection and attention—not toys, treats and money.
9. Teach them the value of money.
Have your child manage their money through saving, giving to
charity/others and then spending. If you do this from an early age you
are truly setting a foundation of responsible wealth management.
10. Share your story.
Last but not least, you should tell your kids the legacy of your
family's fortune. When I say wealth or fortune, that is all relative. If
you come from significant wealth tell the story of how that was earned
and created. If you are self-made, tell that story too—just don't forget
that "giving your kids everything that you didn't have" is not always a
good thing. There is probably a lot that you learned along the way by
stumbling to make you the person you are today.
